THE DAY I KILL THE PRESIDENT
by horros
Summary: kill him in anyway!
1. Chapter 1

THE DAY I KILL THE PRESIDENT

BY JAY ALLEN/HORROS

CHAPTER 1 THE THING IN THE BOX

It was just a ordinary day, aliens were killing shopkeepers for a box of crisps - cheese and onion flavour- penguins where eating ice-lollypops, and mangled cats were screaming their sweet meow. I my self would have loved to join in with all these great activities yet I had better plans. I was just popping down to my friend Johnny's. Now I knew Johnny well, and I knew he'd be out the back with his dog that caught that plague thing. And just as I predicted there he was.

"The dog's worse today." He said, frowning.

"What ever is the matter." I said.

"Well blood is pouring out of his eyes and yellow stuff out of his mouth." said Johnny, and gestured to the pool of stuff on the floor.

"He must be hungry." I said "Give him another slave"

As Johnny was getting the slave one of those government things was flying over, you know those things they said were not real, a flying saucer. They had campers camping underneath it, they looked like hippies. There was a monkey inside, it said we will not tell u that all the monkeys we sent in to space came back intelligent. "I knew it!" I said. As I rushed to get my gun the flying source flew away. Johnny came around the corner with the slave.

"Why did you take my gun?" Yelled Johnny.

"But..." I said

"No no I don't want to hear lameo excuses no no no no shut I just cant listen to this no no no." said Johnny.

I ran into the shed to put the gun back, Johnny fed the dog the slave. A wave of blood splashed on the widow. There as a note on the side I read it, it said.

ARMY FORM

NAME: squid

DATE: 25/4/06

AGE: 1

CONTRY: none

SPECIALTIES: eating cats

What the hell? I thought. But Johnny was human and named Johnny and also has a dog. I heard a noise in the left corner a box was slowly shaking. As I went to squish the box it yelled out a cry.

"Nien nien nien nien nien nien nien!"

I looked at the form one more time. It seems to be a German, but no country...odd.

I saw a weird thing crawl out.

"Where did you come from?" I said.

It said, in English "Well..."

A bubble started to come out of its head.

"Yay flashback" I said

"A long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long" I slapped him and told him to get on with the flashback. "time ago, slorgs attacked my ship. They were after the president's key to his pyjamas. They kidnapped the captain and had him for after noon tea.

"They fought on our ship. I was as good as dead until I sneezed all over the escape pod and fried the circuits. They slithered, there black tails across the floor. Closer and closer until I could hear them breathe on the glass on the front of the pod. They pressed emergency crash land. That is when the pod fell into earth in some place called Germany. Johnny found me in world war I-do-not-care-for-numbers and took me here, after the war ended, which was about 5 minutes or so ago. Then here we are I am on your head having lunch."

"Please get the hell off me." I yelled.

"Sorry but I need to eat and look at this food chain." It said, and pulled out a peice of paper, I read it.

FOOD CHAIN:

MONKEYS

SHARKS

PIGS

SQUID

TURTLES

CATS

DOGS

MICE

ELEPHANTS

CARROTS

"Then me!" I said.

"No." Said Squid.

SNAIL POOS

RABBITS

"Then me!" I said.

"No" Said Squid.

YELLOWS

BLUES

YELLOW POOS

"Then you after monkey poo." Said Squid.

MONKY POO.

AND JAYS

"Good lets go see Johnny." I said

"Not so fast!" Someone said in a dark rough voice.


	2. Chapter 2

THEMAKEROFLIGHT: Hello, I am the mekeroflight, and I'll be proof-reading all of Horros's chapters from now on, as he has no idea of how to use proper grammar.

THE DAY I KILL THE PRESIDENT

BY JAY ALLEN/HORROS

CHAPTER TWO THE GUY IN THE MASK WITH THE GOLDEN CLAW

The guy came closer to me and grabbed my neck with a golden mechanical claw and said "What did you see?"

"I see a lot of things; cats eating elephant's; dogs doing the cha cha on TV; aliens with super-intelligent monkeys! But you don't hear me complaining! By the way who are you?" I said

"Sorry, I'm the presidents guard of the law 7 or something I think. And you have seen some thing you shouldn't have." He said in a big voice.

"What?" I said

He pressed his mask on my forehead and said...

"Listen buddy, I don't have time to play games, unless you have cluedo."

"Ummmmmm... no." I said sarcastically.

"Be that way! Now what did you see?" He shouted.

I slowly reached for the laser in my pocket and kicked him off me. I shot him in the left arm when I heard screaming and barking from the garden.

"You wait here." I said

I ran out to the garden the slave was on the ground and Johnny's dog dragging what seems to be the corpse of a body. I looked around, there was no sign of Johnny. I went back into the shed the guy in the mask was gone. Damn! He ran away with my cluedo.

"Wait where's Squid?" I said.

He has taken squid to. Who shall I go for? Squid or my good friend Johnny...? Squid,I ran to my friend Mark's.

"I am going to need guns mark. Lots and lots of guns." I said.

"Sorry Jay no guns to day." Said Mark

"TELL ME WHERE THE BLOODY GUNS ARE!" I yelled at Mark.

"In the back." Said Mark.

I ran in the back and garbed a gun, a box that said "kids go wacko for crazy ammo", and a stick.

Mark said "Shhhhh! Do you want to get sued; you may want to delete that."

"No. It's mine now, screw you lawyers!" I said, and stuck the finger up to some zombies in suits outside Mark's fence.

I ran out the back door and hopped in my car. I had to go at 30 mph because gas costs so much to day I now have to pay 90 and some times 91. I really have to get them. Because Squid has the info on the government. Because of the UFO. And because the cluedo has Mr Mustard. I finally got to my destination, Burger King. The king was on his throne eating a nice, juicy, soft, tender beef and crap burger.

Horros: yum (starts drooling on floor) oh yeah… back to the story

I ran up to the king of the burger, pointed at his juicy, delicious, creamy, soft burger and said "Mine!."

"What?"

"Mine mine!"

"You want the burger?"

"Yes yes! Gimme gimme gimme! Ummmm... I mean what you know about a UFO?"

"Once we made a burger UFO. It was a hundred feet tall."

THEMAKEROFLIGHT: Oh god I'm so hungry.

"No. What I am talking about a government one."

"Oh you mean that! I saw one of those."

"Where where where? Tell me now I need to know, and are you going to eat all that."

"Um no, and the UFO is in the old warehouse down on western street, across from Ikea."

"Ok, but why is there a dog sniffing my foot?"

"Sorry he does that some times."

And off we went to the warehouse in the slow slow slow god so slow car. This may take a while... lets play super Mario!……………..Dam bowser!……..Yay mushroom!…….ok...that was a weird five minutes.

I was just half way there when I had to go to the can. There was a gas station so after I went I thought I would buy some haribo, but I had no money.I trie to reason with the chasier, but he said no. I shot him in the eye. So I got my haribo. I was on the tip of getting there and I had to go to the can again...I wish I hadn't had that fifty-seventh curry. So let's go back.

Ok we were nearly there again... and yet I left my haribo in the toilet, and yes I am stalling for time.

So as I went and came back and went and came back...I'm sorry I need to wait till the end of the page and well... ok back to the story. I had one more mile to go. Unfortunately a cat jumped in my car and ate my damn haribo.

Horros: That dam dam cat (starts crying)

I started to skid and the cat flew off. Nearly there now. I made it outside of the warehouse. It was very very big.

It was time to enter the scary door. As I ate the rest of my food and crackers (yum) I slowly went in. The room as filled with teddy Barneys. "What the hell?" I said slowly to myself me and Irien... wait, who the hell is Irien? I heard a large clanking sound coming close. Something with red eyes was moving around.

"I have been waiting."


	3. Chapter 3

THE DAY I KILL THE PRESIDENT

BY JAY ALLEN/HORROS

CHAPTER THREE THE WARE-HOUSE

The thing came out of the darkness. It was like an earthquake, the floor was rumbling like hell, and all I could think about was cats. Lets look inside my head for a moment and get away from this horror.

Tom came through the door and saw his cat sitting there. "How are you today Mr Cat?" He said.

The cat said "Meow."

"Somebody's hungry."

"Meow."

"Here you go Mr Cat."

"Meow."

"Stop that Mr Cat."

"Meow."

Tom drop-kicked the cat out the wndow... Woops that was a bit violent, ok then back to the story.

It was a big machine with a mechanical claws, it was that guy. I forget his name, ah well.

"Howdy." I said

"How did you find me?"

"The burger king told me, and you left a note, and bread crumbs, and a map, also a packed lunch."

"Yeh I remember now."

"So is this the part where we fight."

"I think so."

"Ok."

The robot ran at me and swung its claw. I flipped and ran up a pole while loading my gun. It blasted a rocket at me. I jumped back and shot the rocket which made an explosion. The robot ran through the fire, its shoulder first. I did the matrix and and lifted my stick from my back and jammed it in its right foot. The robot fell down and hit some rope, snapping them, the robot hit the ground and the guy slid out, a metal pillar fell on his left arm. "Well that's him dead fo' sho'."

"Not so fast!"

The guy was getting up, ripping his am off.

"When you shot me I lost all feeling in my left arm."

"Woops! Does this mean more action?"

"Ummmm... yes."

"Dam! Fine, just hand me my stick."

"No this is a fist to fist fight."

"Fine."

I ran at top speed at him. He tripped me and hit me in the head. Bastard!

Horros: Um are you allowed to swear in a T? Oh well...

I kicked him from the ground, he went into a pole. I jumped up and hit him in the face and smashed his skull open. That was fast. KO! Wait, this is not a computer game. Now to find my cluedo………….. and Squid. There were three doors, one said super fun happy slide, the other die a horrible death, and the last one live. So I chose the only option; super fun happy slide! I ran in the door and was stabbed to death.

Horros: woops not the best door to take. But it sounded fun! Lets go back.

This time I took live. That could only mean one thing, live hen eating. I went in the door and got my head split open.

Horros: Dam it!!!!

This time it would have to be die. I burst into the door and there was my cluedo. Yay cluedo! Wait and Squid, my good friend Squid… dam German! Boo dis boo!

"Now tell me what you know about the Government and that flying thing."

"Ok... it was a long time ago, about two days, The government told me I was German."

Horros: Good dam it.

"They told me Germans where good spy's and that we were all going to die, they were going to blow earth up and start new on Mars. They told me that the UFO's..." Squid blew up blasting me back on the ground. They will pay for this they will pay! I thought.

Horros: Well if you say that I'm crazy that will happen to you kids. Wa hah ha ha hah!

I stood up I ran over to the stairs just right of the doors, I ran, ran, ran, ran lot of running... I hate running.

I got up half way and fell down again. Six hours later I got to the top on the building. There was a room full with computers. I heard a noise in the corner, I looked, there was a German guy in a cage.

Horros: God dam it not another German guy

!Warning! This is not true, not all Germans are like this, not all are in cages, apart from that guy, that guy, and maybe that guy.


	4. Chapter 4

THE DAY I KILL THE PRESIDENT

BY JAY ALLEN/HORROS

CHAPTER FOUR FIND THE PRESIDENT

I jumped out of the warehouse window and hit the ground.

Horros: ok maybe I should change that, rewind.

I jumped out of the warehouse window into a pit of hungry tigers.

Horros: ok time to get it right.

I jumped out the window and landed on a hooker.

Horros: ah close enough.

I got off her and gave her and gave her ten bucks. Now where the hell would I be able to find the president, first I checked chucky cheese. He wasn't there so the only place he could be is the blue house of fun. There he was in the baby's ball pit licking a lollipop. I said to the president

U cant blow up the world cause the world the world means something to every one, the world is a good place with sunshine lollipops and rainbows and anything when where together. But but its also full of jungles and fun and games now listen to me and hear my roar don't be mean don't blow it up

"nice weather today"

"what the"

"aaaw look at the little baby where's your mummy?"

"She's at hooters why u asks…waiting a sec you're no president2

"politics"

"Tony Blair or bush"

"why bush of course"

I pick up a chair and start to smash him to death. Sparks fly everywhere, he was a robot.

Horros: crap why dose he have to be a robot, come on. Ah well what you can do

So if that's wasn't the president then who is, the only way to find him is if I go to see the wizard of OZ. as I drew closer to the emerald palace I enter a little town with creepy midget perverts. They told me to follow the homosexual yellow brick road, and then a giant fucking house fell on me and those little freaks didn't even help. I help my self up and for some reason some little fuck stole my ruby shoes.

Horros: Dam I bought them off of God….crap.

God: in brass the darkness.

Horros: what the?

As I walked out of that place some scare crow stole my wallet, so I pounded that guy. Then found a tin man he said

"the oil the oil"

"what the"

I took his axe and walked away. Finally I met a lion, the bastard roared at me so I pushed him in the mud. At last I was at the Emerald palace. They told me to go away the wizard is not available today.

Horros: for god sake the cheek, I push over there lions beat up there scare crows and what do I get pssssssh.

I took the axe I had from earlier and smashed down the door. I barged my way into the wizard's room. He said to me.

"fuck off"

"no, I am looking for the president I need your help!"

"ok but you need to do one thing"

"what?"

"bring me the wicked witches broom stick!"


End file.
